If you only knew..

Spring break FINALLY!!!
I'm thinking a lot about Romania. Hell...i've never stopped thinking about it, but these few days more intensely than usual. What if i forget? What if i forget what it was like? Leave it all behind one morning? I'm not ready to let go of those 12 and a half years of my life.
This is my 3rd year in England, my 3rd school year and finally i feel less of an intruder. Less of a stranger, less alone.
I finally feel more comfortable with the idea of living here, it doesn't seem so strange anymore. I guess it's normal for it not to be a smooth run over from Romania to England since...it's so incredibly different.
I'm scared of losing touch with what i was and who i knew... I still miss it everyday but i don't wish i was there everyday, not anymore.
I figured what happened was that i couldn't let go of the people i eventually had to leave behind. That's why i found it so hard to warm up to anybody here. I warmed up to Cliff, my stepdad, eventually. I guess that was the biggest step, not to feel like an intruder in the house you live in.

I miss it though... I miss my friends, just the way we used to hang out, the way we used to be. The roadtrips we took, my memories are still with me.
I miss family terribly. Although even in Romania, we never were all together, my family is scattered all across the country. It was still comforting that they were a phonecall or 13 hour train journey away.

Now everyone is in a different timezone. One phonecall away that costs £5 a minute. And i don't think i could handle the train journey to get there.

And you ask me everytime...What's it like there? How are you? Is it different? Do you miss us?
If you only knew...

I wish you'd stop asking. I wish you knew how i felt, but you don't, you can't. It's me who has to deal with trying to fill up this emptiness as much as possible every year... as much as can go in at a time, from one visit. To last me for another year.