Been Here Before

Dear Diary,

Despite my initial thoughts about going back to Romania this summer, i did it. Mostly because the tickets were already booked and paid for. I didn't want to go. Let's put it this way - i didn't want to get attached to something i thought i had already let go of. Truth is, i hadn't let go. Not even close. Conclusion: I'm glad i went. I now realise that the connection with Motherland will always be there, as much as i try to get away, pretend England is motherland, it doesn't work that way.

All i can do is sigh, begin burying the constant aching and dig it right back up when i go back, or when i wake up, or when i accidentally think in Romanian. Yes, now it only happens accidentally. I hardly even dream in Romanian anymore. I dream of Romania, about it, being in it and yet the words come out in English. I even dreamt English subtitles to a Romanian dream once. If it's so hard to bury and dig back up all the memories about it, then why don't i just let it be? Because i can't. Otherwise it would erode my mind completely.

I've been through this, over and over, for the past 3 years and yet everytime i think it would be different but it isn't. It won't, for a long time if not forever.