Decode

How did we get here?

I used to know you so well

How did we get here?

Well, I think I know

By Paramore

Withdrawal Symptoms

It's been 4 days, and i'm starting to think about chocolate more and more often. I also started working more.
Maybe it's not about getting rid of distraction that leads to happiness, maybe it all relies on what your distraction consists of. I admit a distraction such as essays and work is better for me than chocolate, but does it make a difference in the way i think? Maybe not. So why not have the more tasty, sweet distraction instead?

People Chemistry

I'm in a place right now where it's make or break, or more like make or work in Sainsbury's and become a middle aged fat unhappy sales assistant. Not that there's anything wrong with that (for those reading this that might be just that) but it's just not my cup of tea, you understand that, right?

I feel a certain element of fear that i can't push out of the way. I wonder if it's been there all along and I've just noticed it or if i have just concocted it. That fear of not necessarily not succeeding in every one's eyes, but that fear of things not going my way. I see this in the people around me too but mostly i notice it in myself because..well..the Ruru brain is what i have and nobody else's brain. I guess that gives a sense of reassurance that I'm not the only selfish, self-centered person around. Nobody wants to fail in the eyes of others, but above all, surely nobody wants to fail in their own eyes. I hope that makes sense- in my head it does. At least that explains how some of the most successful people out there are unhappy because in their own eyes they haven't succeeded at all. However, it is a rarity of people to be happy with themselves if the ones around them think otherwise. It seems odd to me, but then again, people seem odd to me too.

I'm sure if i read Cosmopolitan regularly it would give me some answers and screwed up perspectives to all these questions, but that would ruin the fun. I like to experiment it. And you know what's more fun than chemistry experiments? People experiments. People can have explosive reactions too, collisions, different concentrations even- the whole chemical package AND here's the bonus: A brain. It's brilliant.

If we're so dependent on other equally insecure people's opinions, then how can we ever be happy? Is happiness a state of distraction? A state of mind that has nothing to do with reality? Do we have to escape to have bliss? Personally i think that's the fake happy. The real happy shouldn't need distraction. Surely if you tried hard enough you could be happy without having to hide away with your iPod or book or playstation, you name it.
I haven't met anybody that can do that. We all have the things that distract us from deep thinking, when actually if we didn't run, wouldn't it make it all that much easier? My theory is that taking all the distraction away from a human being would have extreme outcomes. My prediction is that it could either make one be truly happy with themselves, or it would make them sink deeper into their own bullshit. (couldn't find a more philosophical way to put that, sorry)

I'm going to test this on myself. As with any addiction, you cannot take it all away all of a sudden, therefore i will take it one step at a time and as any good scientist would do, record progress. =) It sounds so simple minded that just typing that made me laugh out loud just then. Maybe simple mindedness works? It's worth a try..

To make this a fair test, i will have witnesses also, to make sure no altering of results or cheating is done. Will be measuring the change in temper of Ruru without chocolate.
That made me laugh too. =) For 2 reasons. One, the thought of me without chocolate. Two, i'm doing an experiment on myself!

Starting tomorrow: NO CHOCOLATE.

It's so crazy it just might work. =)

Art Trip - After

I have decided i love Paris more than London. Actually I'm not sure i even love London at all, i guess it was just one of the first giant cities I've seen and it shocked me. But Paris... It's my kind of place. A place where you can get lost ( and we did), a place where you can stare at artwork for hours..and hours (and we did), a place where you can wonder, dream, stare up high and low and everywhere you'd see beauty. It fascinates me how every time i go there i am mesmerised- I've only been twice but i would still go another hundred times.

I think most of us discovered a little bit about themselves, if not a whole lot on this trip. I certainly did discover a lil' something about myself, which i was trying to cover up so hard. I discovered that maybe I'm not as strong as i thought i was, and there's a scary thought. Certainly for the past 3 to 4 years, i have known that i could get over anything. Well that theory went up in bright flames when tears started rolling down my face at the sight of a confession booth inside Sacre Coeur.

It was a very self analytical trip for all of us, and i think some have solved problems and some have just opened up a box that was never meant to come up again. Turned out it was benefiting when we realised that we had friends there with us to back us up.

I thought i had faced my demons and won, but i guess some escaped and hid very well. Now i know where they are and what will kill them, so it's all good. This trip could not have been more perfectly timed... and I'm not speaking just for myself in saying that. It was about self-knowing and knowing each other as much or even more than it was about art. Actually that was art itself, if you ask me.

Art Trip - Before

In a mad rush to get rucsac and suitcase ready. Obviously it's not that mad of a rush, since i still have a few precious minutes to waste on here. =)

Guess what guess what guess what what what!!! I have a new camera. -jumps of joy- A Nikon D40!!! -jumps of joy higher and faster- Still thinking of what to name it but i'm sure inspiration will strike once i get to Paris.
We're leaving tomorrow bright and early and NikNik (temporary name..original, no? ) is coming with me!
So is Helen aka zebestfriend and Seb aka zesebster. But they're not important...oh no Niknik..you come way above all them. =) I'm so happy i could jump. No, that's wrong. I'm so happy i could jump again! -jumps of joy!!-

I don't think i've used this many exclamation marks since...well, ever.
Huge thank you to Cliff. He's ze awesomeness photographer, truly is. And you know the best thing about that, i can borrow all his bigboy lenses haha. =) It's great!

This trip should be interesting in terms of the people going on it. From the emos to the chavs and in between, there's enough of each social group to make this a very memorable trip indeed..

Yay to Paris and trips! -one final jump of joy...legs starting to ache- =)

And Time Out

Today is one of those days when everything is in balance. The end of the week... when i've finished all essays that were due in this week, put uniform in the wash, and threw my school bag as far away from sight as possible. Bliss. Today i haven't argued with my parents, or a teacher, or a friend. Today everything fell into place.
After a week of frictions and nasty temper collisions... i think the balancing was timed right.