Crowded

Haven't had time to blog, or when i had time i didn't have the energy to type the feelings.
I'm seeing myself turn into one of those professional multi taskers and i hate it. What happened to the weekends when i could not set an alarm clock and when i could go to bed as late as i liked? Now everything has a time. It's all scheduled, and it all has a price. School, work, and school work. Weird thing is, i'm not complaining, i like it like this.

I quit quitting chocolate. Was never going to work.
Learnt how to ride a bike, and the chocolate was my reward. =)

"As work goes up, talking goes down" a friend told me. What if i don't want it to go down? I don't want to lose touch, although already doing exactly that.

Decode

How did we get here?

I used to know you so well

How did we get here?

Well, I think I know

By Paramore

Withdrawal Symptoms

It's been 4 days, and i'm starting to think about chocolate more and more often. I also started working more.
Maybe it's not about getting rid of distraction that leads to happiness, maybe it all relies on what your distraction consists of. I admit a distraction such as essays and work is better for me than chocolate, but does it make a difference in the way i think? Maybe not. So why not have the more tasty, sweet distraction instead?

People Chemistry

I'm in a place right now where it's make or break, or more like make or work in Sainsbury's and become a middle aged fat unhappy sales assistant. Not that there's anything wrong with that (for those reading this that might be just that) but it's just not my cup of tea, you understand that, right?

I feel a certain element of fear that i can't push out of the way. I wonder if it's been there all along and I've just noticed it or if i have just concocted it. That fear of not necessarily not succeeding in every one's eyes, but that fear of things not going my way. I see this in the people around me too but mostly i notice it in myself because..well..the Ruru brain is what i have and nobody else's brain. I guess that gives a sense of reassurance that I'm not the only selfish, self-centered person around. Nobody wants to fail in the eyes of others, but above all, surely nobody wants to fail in their own eyes. I hope that makes sense- in my head it does. At least that explains how some of the most successful people out there are unhappy because in their own eyes they haven't succeeded at all. However, it is a rarity of people to be happy with themselves if the ones around them think otherwise. It seems odd to me, but then again, people seem odd to me too.

I'm sure if i read Cosmopolitan regularly it would give me some answers and screwed up perspectives to all these questions, but that would ruin the fun. I like to experiment it. And you know what's more fun than chemistry experiments? People experiments. People can have explosive reactions too, collisions, different concentrations even- the whole chemical package AND here's the bonus: A brain. It's brilliant.

If we're so dependent on other equally insecure people's opinions, then how can we ever be happy? Is happiness a state of distraction? A state of mind that has nothing to do with reality? Do we have to escape to have bliss? Personally i think that's the fake happy. The real happy shouldn't need distraction. Surely if you tried hard enough you could be happy without having to hide away with your iPod or book or playstation, you name it.
I haven't met anybody that can do that. We all have the things that distract us from deep thinking, when actually if we didn't run, wouldn't it make it all that much easier? My theory is that taking all the distraction away from a human being would have extreme outcomes. My prediction is that it could either make one be truly happy with themselves, or it would make them sink deeper into their own bullshit. (couldn't find a more philosophical way to put that, sorry)

I'm going to test this on myself. As with any addiction, you cannot take it all away all of a sudden, therefore i will take it one step at a time and as any good scientist would do, record progress. =) It sounds so simple minded that just typing that made me laugh out loud just then. Maybe simple mindedness works? It's worth a try..

To make this a fair test, i will have witnesses also, to make sure no altering of results or cheating is done. Will be measuring the change in temper of Ruru without chocolate.
That made me laugh too. =) For 2 reasons. One, the thought of me without chocolate. Two, i'm doing an experiment on myself!

Starting tomorrow: NO CHOCOLATE.

It's so crazy it just might work. =)

Art Trip - After

I have decided i love Paris more than London. Actually I'm not sure i even love London at all, i guess it was just one of the first giant cities I've seen and it shocked me. But Paris... It's my kind of place. A place where you can get lost ( and we did), a place where you can stare at artwork for hours..and hours (and we did), a place where you can wonder, dream, stare up high and low and everywhere you'd see beauty. It fascinates me how every time i go there i am mesmerised- I've only been twice but i would still go another hundred times.

I think most of us discovered a little bit about themselves, if not a whole lot on this trip. I certainly did discover a lil' something about myself, which i was trying to cover up so hard. I discovered that maybe I'm not as strong as i thought i was, and there's a scary thought. Certainly for the past 3 to 4 years, i have known that i could get over anything. Well that theory went up in bright flames when tears started rolling down my face at the sight of a confession booth inside Sacre Coeur.

It was a very self analytical trip for all of us, and i think some have solved problems and some have just opened up a box that was never meant to come up again. Turned out it was benefiting when we realised that we had friends there with us to back us up.

I thought i had faced my demons and won, but i guess some escaped and hid very well. Now i know where they are and what will kill them, so it's all good. This trip could not have been more perfectly timed... and I'm not speaking just for myself in saying that. It was about self-knowing and knowing each other as much or even more than it was about art. Actually that was art itself, if you ask me.

Art Trip - Before

In a mad rush to get rucsac and suitcase ready. Obviously it's not that mad of a rush, since i still have a few precious minutes to waste on here. =)

Guess what guess what guess what what what!!! I have a new camera. -jumps of joy- A Nikon D40!!! -jumps of joy higher and faster- Still thinking of what to name it but i'm sure inspiration will strike once i get to Paris.
We're leaving tomorrow bright and early and NikNik (temporary name..original, no? ) is coming with me!
So is Helen aka zebestfriend and Seb aka zesebster. But they're not important...oh no Niknik..you come way above all them. =) I'm so happy i could jump. No, that's wrong. I'm so happy i could jump again! -jumps of joy!!-

I don't think i've used this many exclamation marks since...well, ever.
Huge thank you to Cliff. He's ze awesomeness photographer, truly is. And you know the best thing about that, i can borrow all his bigboy lenses haha. =) It's great!

This trip should be interesting in terms of the people going on it. From the emos to the chavs and in between, there's enough of each social group to make this a very memorable trip indeed..

Yay to Paris and trips! -one final jump of joy...legs starting to ache- =)

And Time Out

Today is one of those days when everything is in balance. The end of the week... when i've finished all essays that were due in this week, put uniform in the wash, and threw my school bag as far away from sight as possible. Bliss. Today i haven't argued with my parents, or a teacher, or a friend. Today everything fell into place.
After a week of frictions and nasty temper collisions... i think the balancing was timed right.

I could survive for 1 minute, 35 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Note

Note to self - DON'T bother asking for sick days off school. Never works.

Guide To Permanent Cheerfulness

3 people have asked me in the past week how i stay cheerful. How do i get over things. Truth is, i'm not always cheerful, because that's impossible. You'd end up boasting a fake smile and some very stiff jaws by the end of the day. I've noticed how some still try this though, and as i predicted, very stiff jaws indeed. I just look at them and think "you silly bitches" or if they don't have a vagina "you silly male bitches".

Everyone seems to try and be perfect, which is no new trick in the book. Everyone tries to cover up what hurts and smile pretty and ask people pointless questions trying to distract attention from their own insecure dark secrets. I'm sick of that. I'm sure i appear as one of those fake happy people. Because i am in fact 97.5% happy. But that's because i've been through the whole fake smile period. The whole "hello, how are you?" and the "i'm great, thanks, and you?"- don't get me wrong, it's a great intro to a conversation if you actually care, but if you don't, it's a waste of words.

In fact, it scares me how much i don't care. Really. I must be some sort of heartless creature. And guess what, i'm okay with it. Whatever makes you happy, right? If worrying about your hair or make-up is how you get through your day then fine. If moaning about how much homework you have makes it easier for you to sleep, then fine. In some cases i do care, a lot. But those cases are very rare. And not rare like diamonds, rare like Beavis and Butthead fans. Yes, that's right.

I know what i have to do to make Ruru happy. The people that have asked how i stay sane and happy have gotten pretty weird answers such as "i daydream about lemons", which is correct. However, maybe they would've been less confused if i just said that i know me.

Until you know the little things about a person, you can't say you know them. And that's when it gets interesting. You then achieve a level where you can choose to make them miserable or happy, because you know how to do both. I believe that's where true human evil lies. Maybe i'm wrong. To me it's a sound explanation of true evil. The kind that's done through nothing but gestures, not even words are needed. The cruelest things can come out of that, the darkest places in people's hearts can be revealed. You don't need punches and kicks to hurt. To have true power all you need is eyes, ears and sometimes a functioning brain.

I come back to the held up shields that some hide behind everyday and think that they do it with good reason, but in a very silly way, because this only puts their weaknesses on the spotlight instead of hiding them away as they were intending. Then people like me notice, and choose.
Cruel world indeed.