Summer Fades, Tan Stays

It's September. I'm 4 days late on realising this but hey, better later than never, right?
Putting all mood swings and weird thoughts aside, I'm trying, really trying to get back into the school rhythm. Homework, scheduled meals, thoughtful jogs and last but certainly not least exams. Having them every year does suck major bumbum. But this year it's the mother of exams. The real deal. It's the biggy jiggy.

Last year of uniforms, last year of mandatory attendance in school. It feels weird being the top of the school. I get little year 9s asking for directions around school, when not long ago i used to be that year 9, completely lost. I still get lost now, but that's because I'm me, not because I'm new.

It's strange how despite this being the most important year before college, there's such a relaxed atmosphere around the year group. We all know each other now and we gel. I know who i like, who i hate and who i feel indifferent towards. We have earned confidence. And that feels good.

I wonder how long this feeling will last and how long until we'll all start despising school and counting down the seconds to when the last exam ends and when we are free for another 6 weeks until replay. I'm sure it won't be exact replay and that this year will be unique. However it is a make or break year in many ways. Fail this, and work in Sainsbury's. Succeed and proceed to A level.

People i haven't seen for over 6 weeks haven't changed one bit. My friends are still the best friends i could wish for. And above all my family, in England as much as Romania, make me feel at home. My home is where they are. That's how great they are. Thank you everyone for putting up with me.

Now the show must go on. Let the curtains open and let's watch the fancy essays crowd onto the stage.
-claps-

Been Here Before

Dear Diary,

Despite my initial thoughts about going back to Romania this summer, i did it. Mostly because the tickets were already booked and paid for. I didn't want to go. Let's put it this way - i didn't want to get attached to something i thought i had already let go of. Truth is, i hadn't let go. Not even close. Conclusion: I'm glad i went. I now realise that the connection with Motherland will always be there, as much as i try to get away, pretend England is motherland, it doesn't work that way.

All i can do is sigh, begin burying the constant aching and dig it right back up when i go back, or when i wake up, or when i accidentally think in Romanian. Yes, now it only happens accidentally. I hardly even dream in Romanian anymore. I dream of Romania, about it, being in it and yet the words come out in English. I even dreamt English subtitles to a Romanian dream once. If it's so hard to bury and dig back up all the memories about it, then why don't i just let it be? Because i can't. Otherwise it would erode my mind completely.

I've been through this, over and over, for the past 3 years and yet everytime i think it would be different but it isn't. It won't, for a long time if not forever.

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

You Should Play the Drums

You are often hyper, restless, and full of a little too much zeal. However, people may be surprised to know that you can focus your energy well. You are driven and engaged enough to be a great drummer... and you have the stamina to practice for hours. In fact, when you can channel your energy productively, it only increases! You are independent and spirited... but also consistent. You can definitely keep the beat. You work well in a group and contribute heartily - without needing to take the lead. Your dominant personality characteristic: your aggression Your secondary personality characteristic: your precision

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

Saturate

If I could never find you, never mind, I would not forget you.
Can I stay alive forever?

Can I feel a chemical reaction?
Because i feel a hideous attraction
Could we share a poison apple?

By Breaking Benjamin

Christianity?

Here i am sat cross legged on my bed with an overheated laptop, debating myself whether i should blog about camp or not. Because if i do, i know all the confusion about Christianity and not much camp-talk will end up being written. I've been putting this off for nearly a week now. Not because i don't know what to say, but because what i have to say about it all overwhelms me every time i think about it, and honestly it has been on my mind most of the time.

I arrived at christian camp thinking "what am i doing here, I'm not even a christian!?" and "look at all these weirdos with Bibles!!". What struck me was how all these "weirdos" somehow connected on a level that i haven't seen before, they believed in something great with all of their heart and understood each other for it. They seemed to have so much love and trust, which i still can't grasp. How can these people be so sure, so understanding, so forgiving and just so... faithful?

I've lived fine so far without belief in God or any other "above all" spirit thingy, so why contradict myself now? Maybe there is just something particularly attractive about so many people having complete trust into something Holy, that won't do them wrong. Someone they can love that loves them back and forgives them whenever they need forgiveness. Someone that makes such sacrifices and expects nothing back, just faith and love? Maybe I've got it all wrong, but that sounds great to me. And yet, it goes against what i believe in. Here's the catch, i believe in facts. But now I'm leaning over to believing that science in a reinforcement of religion, and not an opposite, or a contradiction to it.

I wasn't a christian on camp, and I'm not one now. But God, if you're really there, give me time to give you a true chance, because right now, i can't jump straight in. And save me one of those halos please, they look fun!


<< Umm...yeah. So camp was fun and....interesting!

"Your boob is comin' out of your bra, lemme help you!"
"mmm squidgy!"
"And in and out and in and out and turn around, and in and out and in and out turn around!!" :))
-raises eyebrow-




Don't ask. Really. Don't. Ssssshhht. Just walk away from the scary sock-faced guy.

Camp

So i gave camp a try this year. To begin with i only knew 2 people there who i didn't even share a tent with. This later turned out to be the best, because i have now met so many new people that i now keep in touch with, so yay to that!

Camping out for a week, in the rain, the wind, the cold and the sunny is all that more interesting with people that you don't know. The knowing each other bit didn't take too long and became friendlier and friendlier. Some VERY friendly with each other. =)

I don't have time to give a detailed story or put pictures up so this will be a short overview.

Here it goes:

• I don't regret going.
• In fact, i think it was one of the best times i've had on a trip.
• It was AWESOME.
• The tent didn't flood, which was a bonus.
• It was Christian camp, which at first made me very nervous of going, but in the end kinda made me want to become a christian. Who knew christianity could be so fun?
• There was a barndance. It was like the camp, AWESOME.
• So yeah. It kicked ass. That pretty much sums it up i think.

Half an hour older..but no wiser

It sucks trying to be a people person. LM knocked on my door about half an hour ago wanting to "hang out". Now, my answer to that would've been a clear "ummm how's NO for ya?" but i didn't say that, because nobody that is remotely polite or is trying to be polite(like me) would say that. Still, i could've said it and added "it's not personal, i just feel ill" but then that would be lying- if i choose to sin, i should at least do it properly.

It is personal and how personal it is.... I know that if i "hang out" with this person my brain will be forced to shut down after non-stop mind numbing rambling about her boyfriend. I still got a huge dose of this by just standing at my door, could've been much worse(hours..days..). I did offer her a drink twice, since i was going to listen to this shite i should at least be well hydrated, and plus the drink would've stopped her babbling ocassionally. Selfish, i know.

I tried to reason with the rambling creature and explain that my parents were out, i didn't have a key, i was ill and that i was packing to go camping- all of those should have indicated my desperate attempt NOT to hang out and were also reasonably true(i did have a key, wasn't so ill, and the packing could've waited). I tried, honest to God, but it was all for nothing. She kept talking. For HALF AN HOUR. ON MY DOOR STEP! You know how much a person can do in half an hour? I could get sunburnt in half an hour. I could walk into the forest and be attacked by a bear! I could even clean my room!! All of the above would have been less painful than listening to the mindless bullcrap. Save me.

I have come to the conclusion that my new subtle ways of telling people to fuck off aren't working, so i will go back to my old ways. Where "fuck off" means fuck off ( although i don't know how people can literally fuck off..anyways..) and "shut up and go away" means exactly that.

Good news however, going camping tomorrow, yay! =)
It all balances out.. the good and the rambling..i mean the good and the bad.
God..or whoever is up there, you owe me. Big time.

What Does Your Taste In Music Say About You?

What Your Taste in Music Says About You

Your musical tastes are reflective and complex. You are intellectual to the point of being cerebral. You are very open to new experiences, and even more open to new ideas and theories. Wisdom and personal accomplishment are important to you. You are naturally sophisticated. You are drawn to art, especially art by independent artists. You are likely to be financially well off... and not because you were born that way.

What Does Your Taste in Music Say About You?

Haven't been much of a blogger lately, in fact hardly at all. The only updates in the life of crazy are that:

• It's summer and school's out, yay!
• I'm sun burnt - not so yay!
• There are good things about living here. There's the beach.
• I'm not going to Romania this summer.
• I miss my dad and stepsister.

and let's see what else... hmmm... oh yeah.

• We ran out of peanut butter. it's a catastrophe!

I love you.