I could survive for 1 minute, 35 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Note

Note to self - DON'T bother asking for sick days off school. Never works.

Guide To Permanent Cheerfulness

3 people have asked me in the past week how i stay cheerful. How do i get over things. Truth is, i'm not always cheerful, because that's impossible. You'd end up boasting a fake smile and some very stiff jaws by the end of the day. I've noticed how some still try this though, and as i predicted, very stiff jaws indeed. I just look at them and think "you silly bitches" or if they don't have a vagina "you silly male bitches".

Everyone seems to try and be perfect, which is no new trick in the book. Everyone tries to cover up what hurts and smile pretty and ask people pointless questions trying to distract attention from their own insecure dark secrets. I'm sick of that. I'm sure i appear as one of those fake happy people. Because i am in fact 97.5% happy. But that's because i've been through the whole fake smile period. The whole "hello, how are you?" and the "i'm great, thanks, and you?"- don't get me wrong, it's a great intro to a conversation if you actually care, but if you don't, it's a waste of words.

In fact, it scares me how much i don't care. Really. I must be some sort of heartless creature. And guess what, i'm okay with it. Whatever makes you happy, right? If worrying about your hair or make-up is how you get through your day then fine. If moaning about how much homework you have makes it easier for you to sleep, then fine. In some cases i do care, a lot. But those cases are very rare. And not rare like diamonds, rare like Beavis and Butthead fans. Yes, that's right.

I know what i have to do to make Ruru happy. The people that have asked how i stay sane and happy have gotten pretty weird answers such as "i daydream about lemons", which is correct. However, maybe they would've been less confused if i just said that i know me.

Until you know the little things about a person, you can't say you know them. And that's when it gets interesting. You then achieve a level where you can choose to make them miserable or happy, because you know how to do both. I believe that's where true human evil lies. Maybe i'm wrong. To me it's a sound explanation of true evil. The kind that's done through nothing but gestures, not even words are needed. The cruelest things can come out of that, the darkest places in people's hearts can be revealed. You don't need punches and kicks to hurt. To have true power all you need is eyes, ears and sometimes a functioning brain.

I come back to the held up shields that some hide behind everyday and think that they do it with good reason, but in a very silly way, because this only puts their weaknesses on the spotlight instead of hiding them away as they were intending. Then people like me notice, and choose.
Cruel world indeed.

Thousand Mile Wish

Cause laughing lovers can overcome their closest demons
And they'll go on and they won't let go
They saw something that they know
Has never come so close
Can it stay here for us, for now?

We'll find a line to follow
It's got to show real soon
Or we'll never reach this high

By Finger Eleven

101!!!

Today I write the 101st post =) Happy Birthday Green Diary!!!

(Much less important news but tomorrow i get my brand new belt, grading was last week, but Leopold was again kidnapped by parents so couldn't update. Yay for tkd!) =)

Mouse?

Erm, i received this chain thingy from my cousin asking me to share with the world what mouse i use to do those wonderful clicks that excite the hell out of everybody i'm sure. Um well here goes:

• It's Microsoft.
• It scrolls,
• It right clicks
• AND
• It normal clicks!!!
• AAAAAND mine's black and it's called Schlaus. Schlaus the mouse, he's german. Aren't you jealous?

It's like...amazing!!! =) LOL

Excuse my lack of ability to express my interest in computer mice technically.

P.S To cousin: I did this for you, i went to all the trouble of googling my mouse. That's how much i care...and how much free time i have... =O you owe me. =)

Also...Is this a superstitious thing, that if i don't keep the chain going i will be strangled by my own mouse or something? Oh well, tough luck. I'm sure i'll have an entertaining night... If i don't ever post again, you'll know why. Schlaus the german mouse is going to mouse hell.

The Copsonator, Murderer of Dreams

Murderer of dreams indeed. I had a dream of at least 2 weeks of no essay-ing. I had a dream so pure, so serene, peaceful, quiet, and most importantly essayless. This lovely dream of mine and of many more i'm sure, was suddenly brutally killed by mr. Copson aka evilness disguised in an old boring man. -sighs-
Oh how i "missed him" this summer holiday..

Award winning evilness. 1st prize so far. No claps. -grumpy face+evil stare-

Summer Fades, Tan Stays

It's September. I'm 4 days late on realising this but hey, better later than never, right?
Putting all mood swings and weird thoughts aside, I'm trying, really trying to get back into the school rhythm. Homework, scheduled meals, thoughtful jogs and last but certainly not least exams. Having them every year does suck major bumbum. But this year it's the mother of exams. The real deal. It's the biggy jiggy.

Last year of uniforms, last year of mandatory attendance in school. It feels weird being the top of the school. I get little year 9s asking for directions around school, when not long ago i used to be that year 9, completely lost. I still get lost now, but that's because I'm me, not because I'm new.

It's strange how despite this being the most important year before college, there's such a relaxed atmosphere around the year group. We all know each other now and we gel. I know who i like, who i hate and who i feel indifferent towards. We have earned confidence. And that feels good.

I wonder how long this feeling will last and how long until we'll all start despising school and counting down the seconds to when the last exam ends and when we are free for another 6 weeks until replay. I'm sure it won't be exact replay and that this year will be unique. However it is a make or break year in many ways. Fail this, and work in Sainsbury's. Succeed and proceed to A level.

People i haven't seen for over 6 weeks haven't changed one bit. My friends are still the best friends i could wish for. And above all my family, in England as much as Romania, make me feel at home. My home is where they are. That's how great they are. Thank you everyone for putting up with me.

Now the show must go on. Let the curtains open and let's watch the fancy essays crowd onto the stage.
-claps-

Been Here Before

Dear Diary,

Despite my initial thoughts about going back to Romania this summer, i did it. Mostly because the tickets were already booked and paid for. I didn't want to go. Let's put it this way - i didn't want to get attached to something i thought i had already let go of. Truth is, i hadn't let go. Not even close. Conclusion: I'm glad i went. I now realise that the connection with Motherland will always be there, as much as i try to get away, pretend England is motherland, it doesn't work that way.

All i can do is sigh, begin burying the constant aching and dig it right back up when i go back, or when i wake up, or when i accidentally think in Romanian. Yes, now it only happens accidentally. I hardly even dream in Romanian anymore. I dream of Romania, about it, being in it and yet the words come out in English. I even dreamt English subtitles to a Romanian dream once. If it's so hard to bury and dig back up all the memories about it, then why don't i just let it be? Because i can't. Otherwise it would erode my mind completely.

I've been through this, over and over, for the past 3 years and yet everytime i think it would be different but it isn't. It won't, for a long time if not forever.