People Chemistry

I'm in a place right now where it's make or break, or more like make or work in Sainsbury's and become a middle aged fat unhappy sales assistant. Not that there's anything wrong with that (for those reading this that might be just that) but it's just not my cup of tea, you understand that, right?

I feel a certain element of fear that i can't push out of the way. I wonder if it's been there all along and I've just noticed it or if i have just concocted it. That fear of not necessarily not succeeding in every one's eyes, but that fear of things not going my way. I see this in the people around me too but mostly i notice it in myself because..well..the Ruru brain is what i have and nobody else's brain. I guess that gives a sense of reassurance that I'm not the only selfish, self-centered person around. Nobody wants to fail in the eyes of others, but above all, surely nobody wants to fail in their own eyes. I hope that makes sense- in my head it does. At least that explains how some of the most successful people out there are unhappy because in their own eyes they haven't succeeded at all. However, it is a rarity of people to be happy with themselves if the ones around them think otherwise. It seems odd to me, but then again, people seem odd to me too.

I'm sure if i read Cosmopolitan regularly it would give me some answers and screwed up perspectives to all these questions, but that would ruin the fun. I like to experiment it. And you know what's more fun than chemistry experiments? People experiments. People can have explosive reactions too, collisions, different concentrations even- the whole chemical package AND here's the bonus: A brain. It's brilliant.

If we're so dependent on other equally insecure people's opinions, then how can we ever be happy? Is happiness a state of distraction? A state of mind that has nothing to do with reality? Do we have to escape to have bliss? Personally i think that's the fake happy. The real happy shouldn't need distraction. Surely if you tried hard enough you could be happy without having to hide away with your iPod or book or playstation, you name it.
I haven't met anybody that can do that. We all have the things that distract us from deep thinking, when actually if we didn't run, wouldn't it make it all that much easier? My theory is that taking all the distraction away from a human being would have extreme outcomes. My prediction is that it could either make one be truly happy with themselves, or it would make them sink deeper into their own bullshit. (couldn't find a more philosophical way to put that, sorry)

I'm going to test this on myself. As with any addiction, you cannot take it all away all of a sudden, therefore i will take it one step at a time and as any good scientist would do, record progress. =) It sounds so simple minded that just typing that made me laugh out loud just then. Maybe simple mindedness works? It's worth a try..

To make this a fair test, i will have witnesses also, to make sure no altering of results or cheating is done. Will be measuring the change in temper of Ruru without chocolate.
That made me laugh too. =) For 2 reasons. One, the thought of me without chocolate. Two, i'm doing an experiment on myself!

Starting tomorrow: NO CHOCOLATE.

It's so crazy it just might work. =)